I really did have all intentions of keeping this updated. I would have kept it more updated if I had stayed pregnant. Unfortunately, my uterus decided that our son had enough time inside and needed to go outside. So, our son, Theo, was born on 9/20/2012 at 6:14 pm. He weighed in at 2 pounds 2.2 ounces and was 15.5 inches tall. Initially, he was intubated, but was extubated to CPAP after less than 24 hours being intubated.
Since then, his life has been full of his parents wishing that he would remain “medically boring.” Our only goals for Theo are to gain weight, develop, and get off the CPAP when he is ready. Fortunately, Theo is surrounded by amazing nurses, doctors, and respiratory technicians.
The main point of this post, contrary to how it start, isn’t to announce his birth. Of course, that is an important announcement. However, the amount that this little 2 pound bundle has already impacted me, my life, and my priorities is amazing. I am pretty sure that I will just be adding to the large amount of articles and posts that are already on the inter-webs saying that having a child is the most life-changing event. Ever. It is just too hard to not write about something that is so altering.
It might have taken me a bit longer than other moms who have a full-term baby to become fully aware of the change that my little son has had. I didn’t get to hold him until he was 6 days old. I have not yet breast fed my son. I cannot pick him up and hold him whenever I want. The only way that I can comfort him is to put both of my hands on his body and either sing or hush him quietly. I can’t see his full face as it is usually covered with the CPAP. I only have three onesies for my son because he is so small that even regular preemie clothes don’t fit.
However, I love him, with all of my being, for what he is. I didn’t think that I could love anyone as much as M, but I have found a different love. I think that it affects new moms very profoundly not because you “realize” that this little one is your responsibility and everything depends on you to raise him correctly (although, that is a big deal). It affects us because of how quickly it all came about. Sure, I began to love Theo when I found out I was pregnant. But it was a slow-growing change. Smoldering. Growing warmer.
I think that it was after he really opened his eyes for the first time did I realize how much of my life changed. I would do anything for my son. If something were wrong with him, and he needed full time care, I would quit my job. So what if that mean I wasted years of schooling and still need to repay a large amount of loans. If he were sick, really ill (God forbid) and the only that that would save him would be some kind of transplant from me… Take it. Take whatever you need. If it saves him, than everything is worth it.
I love my son and always will.
A slight tangent to this is how quickly that “mama bear” instinct comes into full force. Holy cow! I found out that I can go from nice and laughing to super bitchy and I-am-going-to-kill-you-if-you-don’t-get-your-shit-together in about negative 2 seconds. Even M was a bit surprised.
Back to the point…
I am still trying to reconcile all of this in my head. We are a family of three now. One of them happens to be in the intensive care unit. We are forever changed, but in a good way. My priorities now include thinking about how my decisions will affect Theo.